28-year-old cuts off financial support to his parents after 3 years of paying and putting his own life on hold: ‘I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck just to keep up with helping them’

I remember it being Honor your father and mother, not Live paycheck to paycheck, bankrolling an overspending lifestyle your father and mother

Temporary financial help has a way of not being temporary. It starts with a specific crisis, a job loss, an unexpected bill, something with a clear beginning and an implied end. You step in because it feels like the right thing to do and because the situation seems bounded. Then the situation stops being bounded, and the help just continues, month after month, until the word temporary no longer applies to anything except the original justification for starting.

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  • AITAH for telling my parents I won’t support them financially anymore?

    I (28M) have been helping my parents financially for the past three years. It started when my dad lost his job, and at the time it felt like the right thing to
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  • do. I covered some bills here and there, then groceries, and eventually I was sending them money every month. It wasn't
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  • easy, but I told myself it was temporary until they got back on their feet.
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  • The problem is... it never really stayed "temporary." My dad found another job, but it pays less, and my mom doesn't work.
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  • Even after things stabilized a bit, they kept relying on me. Every time I tried to reduce what I was sending, something
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  • would come up-an unexpected bill, repairs, something urgent. I started noticing they weren't really adjusting
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  • their lifestyle either, like still spending on things that didn't seem necessary.
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  • Man in patterned shirt reaching forward in industrial setting with blurred background.
    via Brock Wegner

    Man in a patterned shirt reaching his hand forward while standing in an industrial setting.

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  • Meanwhile, I've been struggling to save for my own future. I've been putting off moving to a better place, delaying
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  • plans, and basically living paycheck to paycheck just to keep up with helping them. It started to feel
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  • less like helping and more like being responsible for everything.
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  • So the immediate crisis gets resolved, things stabilize somewhat, and then the stabilization becomes the new baseline rather than the starting point for a return to independence. The lifestyle does not adjust downward to meet the new financial reality because there is an outside source covering the gap. Every time the outside source tries to reduce what it is sending, something urgent appears. The urgency is sometimes real and sometimes convenient and it becomes increasingly difficult to tell the difference after a while.

  • Last week, I finally told them I can't keep doing this anymore. I said I'd still help in emergencies,
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  • Three years of covering bills, groceries, and monthly transfers while delaying your own life is not helping in a crisis. It is being someone's financial infrastructure. Those are different things with different implications and different reasonable endpoints.

  • but I won't be sending money regularly. They took it really badly. My mom said I was abandoning them, and
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  • The parental sacrifice argument is a genuinely powerful move because it is not wrong. Parents do sacrifice for their children. That is real and it matters. What it does not do is create an open-ended financial obligation that runs in one direction indefinitely regardless of circumstances. Sacrifice is not a debt instrument. It does not accrue interest and it does not come due on a payment schedule determined by whoever needs something.

  • Feeling guilty about this is completely understandable. Guilt is actually the correct emotional response to telling people you love that you are changing something they depend on. The guilt does not mean the decision is wrong. It just means the relationship is real and the stakes are real and this is genuinely hard.

  • my dad got quiet but clearly disappointed. They both reminded me of everything they've done for me growing up, which made me feel even worse.
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  • Living paycheck to paycheck while supporting two additional adults is not a sustainable arrangement. It isn't selfish to notice that. It's just accurate.


     

  • Now I'm stuck feeling guilty, like I'm being selfish, but also frustrated because I feel like I've done more than I can
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  • And setting a limit after three years of overextension isn’t abandonment. It is just very, very late, though.

  • realistically handle. I don't want to ruin my relationship with them, but I also don't want to keep living like this.
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  • Main Insect Mom needs to get a job. You need to live your life. ΝΤΑ
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  • breach_dunol NTA and I absolutely despise it when parents say, "I have done everything for you while growing up." Yeah, of course, you CHOSE to have a child. So manipulating!
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  • Rowana 133 KIDS DONT OWE THEIR PARENTS FOR RAISING THEM! NTA.
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  • familyroots777 NTA My personal opinion is that parents should be there to support their children, not the other way around. You've been a great child, helping
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  • them for the last three years, but it's up to them to take care of themselves at some point. Don't feel guilty, be proud that you were able to help them at all.
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  • maybemaybenot2023 Your parents chose to have you. That comes with obligations- i.e. to raise, house, feed, and educate you. That was their job. You do not owe them anything for that. Helping them is one thing- draining yourself to take care of capable adults is another. NTA.
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